"When I think of how many poor pets I've saved from living the life of a stray—well, the growing pile of beagle testicles under my laundry chute just doesn't seem so big anymore."
-Bob Barker
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Ahem
Good afternoon, Governor Haley Barbour, you utter and complete fucking prick. You are a swine, a fascist, racist, pigheaded sonofabitch without the slightest inkling of a moral center.
Go fuck yourself with a rusty meathook, you shitstain on the tighty whiteys of Democracy.
Thank you for your time.
Go fuck yourself with a rusty meathook, you shitstain on the tighty whiteys of Democracy.
Thank you for your time.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Philly v. Bucks County
Trolling the headlines of the Inqy this morning... and I couldn't be more entertained. Compare the tone of this piece (which got top billing), with this one, which led the "latest news" category.
Yes, that first story is totally nuts, but the second is pure comedy gold.
As for a creative solution to end subway violence, um... well... hire Hellboy?
Yes, that first story is totally nuts, but the second is pure comedy gold.
As for a creative solution to end subway violence, um... well... hire Hellboy?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Mood Swings? Mood Swings!!!
Today started off as kind of a downer, with news that a former PADA ultimate player done been sellin' off hundreds of body parts on the black market. (note to self - secure commitment from Eli Roth for screenplay development).
Then, about an hour ago, some poor fool stabbed himself outside my office building and bled all the hell over Broad and Locust before being carted off in an ambulance.
So I was admittedly trolling for sunny news, and, sure thing, the Onion came through:
New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars
September 3, 2008 Issue 44•36
DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain's TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office introduced a new marketing strategy for select locations Tuesday that involves their employees standing outside the restaurant and hurling themselves onto the hoods of passing cars while shouting the day's special offers. "In today's media-saturated world, the key is getting the customer's attention," market analyst Jodi Baer said. "Darting out into the street, leaping in front of a speeding car, and quickly screaming 'One large 14-inch pizza plus an order of Crazy Bread for just $10.99!' before smashing through the windshield accomplishes that goal." This replaces the company's previous outside-the-box marketing campaign, in which employees strapped 15 pounds of explosives to their chests and screamed "Pizza! Pizza!" before blowing themselves up in a crowded marketplace.
Then, about an hour ago, some poor fool stabbed himself outside my office building and bled all the hell over Broad and Locust before being carted off in an ambulance.
So I was admittedly trolling for sunny news, and, sure thing, the Onion came through:
New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars
September 3, 2008 Issue 44•36
DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain's TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office introduced a new marketing strategy for select locations Tuesday that involves their employees standing outside the restaurant and hurling themselves onto the hoods of passing cars while shouting the day's special offers. "In today's media-saturated world, the key is getting the customer's attention," market analyst Jodi Baer said. "Darting out into the street, leaping in front of a speeding car, and quickly screaming 'One large 14-inch pizza plus an order of Crazy Bread for just $10.99!' before smashing through the windshield accomplishes that goal." This replaces the company's previous outside-the-box marketing campaign, in which employees strapped 15 pounds of explosives to their chests and screamed "Pizza! Pizza!" before blowing themselves up in a crowded marketplace.
Fear and Loathing = Sexy?
So, we're like 3 days into the McCain/Palin Experience Featuring Joe Lieberman, and what do we know about our Republican Candidate for VP? 
- She LOVES abstinence-only education, despite overwhelming clinical evidence (not to mention exhibit A in the bedroom next to her own) that that shit don't do shit.
- She FEARS abortion. Yet feels the need to praise, and be praised, for choosing life. CHOOSING. That's the operative word, you twit.
- She LOVES guns. I can't really argue with that, actually. 1, there's no way in hell she'd get elected in Alaska on a gun control platform (I assume), and 2, if I lived in Alaska, I'd probably want a rifle around, too.
- She FEARS intellectualism. And really just learning in general. Between promoting teaching creationism to banning books and running librarians out of town, she's about an eyelash away from Jiang Qing and the Cultural Revolution.
- She LOVES God. In a way that only she could EVER understand. But she'd be happy to sit down and explain it all to you, and exactly why you're going to hell if you disagree, you pagan asshole.
- She really LOVES freedom.
"You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I... and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the fucking Antichrist."
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